Cooking is Almost Always Healthier - Unless ALL Your Recipes Start with Canned Condensed Soup. Gross.

HEY! WHY ARE YOU EATING DIET COOKIES WHEN YOU CAN JUST EAT A COOKIES?

Just don't have a whole row fatass!

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Diet Soda is not water

Does this look like water? If you're thirsty is not because you need more fake sugar.

Hey, Here's A "Simple Step To Trim Fat": DON'T EAT AT MCDONALD'S!

EVER.

If you're buying juice, make sure it's JUICE. Not grape drink.

** Also, just because it says Welch's, doesn't mean it's a substitute for pop.

Uh, and check the juice %age. If it's not 100% you're basically drinking sugar.

"Whole Grain" Lucky Charms Are Still Lucky Friggin' Charms.

Control time, indeed! Have a piece of whole wheat toast instead.

Just Because a Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Sundae is Made By "Smart Ones" Does Not Make It Smart.

Actually, it's really dumb. Have an apple.

If The Ingredient List is Longer Than The Product Name, Don't Eat It.

Because you're eating chemicals. Chemicals make things that make you fat taste better.

If It Requires a Microwave to Eat, Do Yourself a Favor and DON'T EAT IT.

Meaning: "Healthy Choice" and "Lean Cuisine" meals are 90% chemicals and 10% unsatisfying, empty, terrible-tasting calories. Have a bag of carrots instead. At least you can read the ingredient list.

Muffins = Cake. Cake = Fat. Mathematically, this means that Muffins = Fat.

I'll have my ass venti sized please!

** Just because it's liquid doesn't mean it's not liquid fat!

Just because someone ELSE did a great job at work, doesn't mean you get to reward yourself for doing a great job of being a fat ass.

** Also, Just because it's a cookie the size of your ass, doesn't mean it's not a cake.

Here's a healthy choice. If you're eating cake on a day other than your birthday or someone elses, stop.

"Fun Size" Candy Is Still Candy! Candy Makes You Fat!

When Your Doctor Says, "Eating More Fish Is Good For Your Heart," No. He Is Not Talking About The McDonald's Filet-o-Fish Sandwich.

If You Can Buy It In A Vending Machine, It's Not Healthy.